I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
