So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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