I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
