Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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