well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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