He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She told me I should be a condom model.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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