I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
