We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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