Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
