If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
