I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
