i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
