You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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