He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
