i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Randomize
