You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
