my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
