so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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