something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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