If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
