my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
