I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
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