she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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