There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
