I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
