I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
