'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
