birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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