Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
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