I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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