Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
