My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
