i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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