We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize