3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
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