but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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