my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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