maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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