I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
