you thought your balls were fighting each other...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
