I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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