if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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