My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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