Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
He kissed a someone with a penis
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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