If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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