I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize