Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
