i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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