battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
