Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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