Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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