My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
