and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
