i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
