I think my vagina is haunted
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
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