Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
